All in Your Mind
by deepseadare
Summary: Karamatsu has a bad night. Osomatsu is there for him when he needs it.


Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It's the only thing I can focus on amidst the fuzzy static that buzzes in my brain. Everything is suffocating. Everything is too loud. I am hyper-aware of every droplet of rain that hits the earth. Every patter sends me deeper down, and I feel everything folding in around me. I want to yell, but instead I make fists into the cloth covering my knees, swallowing thickly around the lump in my throat.

Nights like these were hard. Crying and sad and all alone on the couch. I pull and tug at my clothes, wanting to scratch at my skin to drown out every other feeling. My mind is stuttering with a million thoughts that bounce off of each other. The knots in my chest tighten, a hot stinging pressure pushing at the back of my eyes.

For a moment my throat clogs up and I get the urge, the need to scream and scream until my throat is red and raw and I can't speak anymore.

Maybe everyone would like that . Bitter tears finally fall and I tug at my hair that I always tried to keep so neat. Maybe I shouldn't talk again. A guttural sound escapes my throat and I sound so weak. So fragile. So pathetic.

Shkk .

In an instant, I am broken from my stupor, my head shooting up from its resting place on my knees. The door to the living room slowly slides open. My body goes rigid, and my grip on my clothes tightens. From the opening in the door I make out a pair of brown eyes and lips pulled into a confused frown. Right away I know it's Osomatsu. Some of the tension that had built between my ribs falls away, but my body doesn't relax.

"Hey," his sleepy voice murmurs, "who's in here? Ichimatsu?"

He rubs at his eyes before they land on me, my back hunched over and knees pressing against my chest. My head is turned slightly as I stare at him. I'm sure my expression is similar to that of a deer caught in headlights. At the sight, his eyes widen into a startled brown, his hand stuttering on the door frame. He composes himself, swiftly sliding the door closed behind him. He is silent for a moment, taking in my current state: the mussed up hair, the red-rimmed eyes, the damp cheeks.

He blinks. Once. Twice. "Uh, are you crying?"

Wasn't it obvious? A chuckle would've escaped my lips if my mind wasn't clogged with overwhelming static. Instead, I just dip my head, allowing it to fall back into its place on my knees. When I don't reply, he says nothing, my appearance definitely enough of an answer for him. For a moment there is silence, save for the steady drumming of rain. The quiet lasts a beat too long for my comfort, but it is quickly broken when I hear his footsteps approaching. He grunts as he takes a seat next to me, his body making an indent in the couch cushion that makes me angle towards him.

We say nothing, but I can feel the weight of his eyes on me. Watching me. Pitying me.

I pray that the blotches of heat I feel rising on my skin aren't visible. My toes curl against the scratchy cushion, and I feel my face contort. I don't look up. I don't want him to see my pathetic face. I must look so stupid. So. Fucking. Stupid .

The pattering of rain fills the quiet between us as I stare intently at my toes. They slowly morph into blurry blobs as tears flood my vision. The stinging pressure behind my eyes break through once again, and I feel the wetness streaking my face and dripping down to my feet. Red hot shame rises to my cheeks at the tears that I can't explain. The fog is building again, enclosing me and blocking everything out. My joints turn to ice, stiff and hard to move. I grit my teeth to trap the embarrassing cries and whimpers clawing their way out of my throat.

I feel Osomatsu shift beside me. He cuts through the fog. "Hey now Karamachuuu," he drawls, "no need for that. Come 'ere." In a second I feel an arm curl around my shoulder, making me jolt. When he feels my hesitance he sighs. "Aw it's just your favorite niisan, Osomatsu! You don't gotta be scared of me." He quickly pulls me to his chest, my cheek pressing against the front of his shirt.

Annoyance mixes with my sadness. I press my palms against him and try to push myself away from him, but it's half-hearted. "Osomatsu, let go ," I breathe out, cringing at the way my voice comes out in a raw rasp.

Osomatsu rests his head on top of mine, fueling the small fire building inside of me. He hums. "Nah. Not until you tell me what's wrong." I can't see him, but I can just hear the smile in his voice.

Quiet anger bubbles under my skin. I almost get mad. Almost. It's canceled out by the tired sadness that engulfs everything else. I just want to be alone. Then I feel his hands against my hair, patting it smooth from my earlier state of pulling and scratching. It almost feels like I'm a kid again, terrified and awake from some nightmare. If I try hard enough, I'm sure I could imagine Osomatsu as mom, instead. The thought sends a calming feeling throughout my body. I realize then, that I really don't want to be alone. I close my eyes, my arms going slack as I forfeit my resistance. I release the tension I held in my back and allow myself to lean against him for support.

"There we go," he says. He keeps on petting me with one hand, another against my back, rubbing small circles that calm my breathing. "Now, what's wrong, little bro?" This time I look up to finally meet his eyes. I'm sure I'm a mess right then. Snot and tears and pathetic written all over my face. Instead of recoiling, his mouth simply lifts into one of his casual smiles. "Don't worry, niisan's here to listen!"

At that, my dams come crashing down.

I hold onto him. Tight.

My fingers curl against his back as I bury my face into his shoulder. A cold feeling swells from my chest, making its way through my body until it escapes from my lungs in loud sobs. I'm sure I'm getting his clothes wet, but at the moment I can't bring myself to care. Unintelligible words spill from my mouth in between gasps and hiccups. He doesn't say anything, really, just holds me tighter and lets me vomit my words into the air.

I don't remember much of what I said once I finish. I pull my head away from his chest and stare at him, my hair a mess once again and my eyes flooded with unshed tears. He stares back at me with dark brown eyes, care and understanding lacing their depths. A small smile graces his features, and he pulls me back to him slowly. It was such a gentle, soft action, something I didn't think the rowdy, sleazy eldest was capable of. I wrap my arms around him, too, feeling thankful when I rest my head back against his shoulder. A silence hangs between us for a moment, but it isn't the least bit awkward.

He sighs. It's quiet, but I can still feel the gentle puff of breath against my ear.

"You know, you don't have to do this alone, right?" My arms twitch, and his hug tightens. "I'm here. We're all here."

I swallow a sob and let my eyelids fall. My chest feels so tight and warm, and at that moment I want nothing more than to tell Osomatsu the admiration I feel for him. I wanted to yell from the heavens how thankful I was for his existence and the things that he does for me, for everyone , really. I want to tell him how even though we fought and were assholes to each other most of the time, I loved him and cared for him so, so much .

But I don't. I don't say anything at all. Instead, I gulp around a growing lump in my throat, my tongue thick with the words that I can't quite bring myself to say. It's almost funny. For once, when I have things that mean something, words that actually matter , I don't say them. Karamatsu Matsuno, painful second brother that spouts bullshit every waking second of his life, at a loss for words. Who would've thought. I bury my face deeper into his shoulder, hoping the simple action was enough to convey the message. My eyes sting, but I refuse to cry anymore.

"Thanks," comes my stupid reply. It's not enough, I know, but it's all I can bring myself to say. My words come out muffled and quiet against his shoulder, almost at a whisper. My voice is weak, fragile, and it sounds nothing like my usual deep tone, weighed down with bravado and flowery language.

It sounded nothing like me at all.

He chuckles, light and happy. It lifts my mood just a little. "No problem, little brother."

We sit in silence for a few moments more before I feel him lift me up, a startled 'eh?' escaping my lips.

"Let's go back to bed, yeah?" he says, arms supporting me. "Still gotta get our sleep, ya know." He laughs.

I manage a shaky laugh, too. "Ah, correct, brother." I wiggle my legs. "Please put me down, though."

"Awww, are you sure you don't want onii-chan to carry you back?" He tilts his head, a teasing glint present in his eyes.

I smile. "Yeah, I'm certain."

"'Kayyy."

He puts me down softly, and I'm glad when my feet hit the floor once again. I may not be in the best state, but I could at least walk on my own.

Osomatsu slides open the door and clicks off the light in the living room. We walk through the hallway side-by-side, a comfortable silence hanging between us. We reach our shared bedroom and both slip inside, careful not to make any noise as we settle into the futon. The room is bathed in gentle moonlight that slips in through an opening in the blinds. I stare at the ceiling for a moment, letting my eyes flick over to Osomatsu pulling the covers over him. My mouth pulls itself into a frown at the returning anxiety I feel, but I force my eyes flutter closed. I suddenly feel cold despite the blanket. My fingernails dig into the covers, and I sigh.

His voice breaks through the silence. "Hey now, what're you doing over there?" Osomatsu whispers. His question hangs in the air.

My eyes open again as I turn to him. "Huh?"

"What do you mean, 'huh'? Get over here," he says, patting the a spot at his side.

I sit up now, understanding his offer, and a small spark of surprise grows within me. We hadn't broken the sleeping position in a long time. I clear my throat when I notice the small space he was calling me to. "Thank you, Osomatsu, but I'm not gonna fit there. There's no room."

He just laughs, rubbing his index finger under his nose. "Don't worry, I'll make some, then!"

He quickly presses his hands against Choromatsu's back and pushes him forward. Choromatsu rolls until he hits Jyushimatsu's back. He's left in an awkward position, his arms and legs splayed out around him. I know he's going to wake up sore tomorrow. Choromatsu lets out a light groan at the small disturbance but doesn't wake up.

Osomatsu looks up at me again, grinning and beckoning me over once more. I look back at him and hold my breath, for I never knew that angels could spread their wings in the dim light of our bedroom.

Careful to be quiet and not disturb our sleeping brothers, I gingerly make my way over to his side of the futon. I slowly slip under the covers beside him, situating myself in a comfortable position. I get used to the new sleeping order immediately. Osomatsu smiles and wraps me in a hug. At that moment, I realize how badly I needed someone to hug me and tell me it was OK. I smile shakily when I feel Osomatsu gently card his fingers through my hair. I'm glad that out the five of them, it was Osomatsu. I'm glad that it was my one big brother.

Osomatsu speaks, "Hey, Karamatsu," His voice is a soft whisper.

"Hm?"

"You'll talk to me whenever you feel like this, okay? Please. Promise. Just because we're the same age doesn't mean I'm not your big brother."

I smile against his shirt. "I promise."

He hums, satisfied, giving me a gentle pat on the back.

Sighing, I let myself get lost in my thoughts. Tonight, I wasn't cool. I was vulnerable and sad and anxious, but at least this time I wasn't alone. I'm grateful, and I say a silent thanks. Thank you, Osomatsu-nissan … When was the last time I'd said 'niisan' outside of my thoughts? I dwell on the thought for a bit longer before I let it rest.

My mouth pulls into a smile. Right now I feel warm. I feel safe. I truly feel home .

Soft moonlight spills onto my pillow, falling into the curves and creases. The covers curl around me. Tomorrow is a new day. Finally, my eyes shut. I fall fast asleep to the sound of soft breaths and light snores, my heart light and pulsing with warmth.


End file.
